" "Oh geeze ... God ... oh God, I want to ... I want to ..." her voicecame out in little spurts between her increasingly rapid breathing, her embarras...mentapparent at her own knowledge that she was losing control ... that she was reachingthe point of no return. "Go ahead and say it honey," I kept encouraging her. "Tell mebaby ... tell Dottie what you want. Dottie loves to hear you say it." "Oh God Dottie, do I have to ... do I have to ... say it?" she saidagain, the bashfulness obvious in the. Right... Then Iwent to the want ads and tried to look for employment.After three weeks of pounding the pavement and suffering rejection afterrejection, I was getting discouraged. Also cleaning Mark's apartment wassomewhat humiliating as well. Mark came home from work, and startedvacuuming, going over what I just vacuumed. Nothing I did was ever goodenough for that guy. While watching Mark vacuum, I started thinking backto the days in prison, when these group of guys beat into submission. Walked over to me and put her arms around me. "We both know what has been going on in-between us, and I am tired of it." She said a serious tone in her voice.I was scared the first thought to my head is 'Oh fuck I am screwed now.' I wouldn't know how accurate that thought was for at least an hour and a half. All I could blurt out was. "What do you mean?" Sill sounding smooth (or so I thought) "Don't give me that." She said looking straight into my eyes. I was hard by now all 9 inches of me. "We. I couldn't get used to living without the smell of salt and the rumble of surf." The hills?" Oh, yes, I miss these hills plastered with houses. They hug you, protect... Wide open pasture, you feel so alone and exposed. It took me a long time to get used to miles upon miles of farms as far as the eye could see." 'And the wind blows the chill of loneliness... ' You said your wife passed away?" Two years, last week." And your children?" Youngest is ten, a thirteen year old and my oldest is.
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